Thursday, August 21, 2008

Cinemotion talkie time

You can count on Rachel to deliver insightful reviews of hot new releases, but when it comes to confusing rants about ancient movies you may never have heard of, I'm your girl.

To-day's topic of cinematic horror: Mickey Rooney.

I think it is safe to say that Mickey Rooney is my least favourite actor, and probably the least attractive Hollywood star of all time. (You may remember him ruining Breakfast at Tiffany's as the cringe-inducing and oh so offensive Mr. Yunioshi. By the way, I finally read the original short story, and can tell you that Capote's Mr. Yunioshi was nothing like that. No, that was pure Rooney.)
The fact that he was box office gold goes a long way in explaining America's generally horrible taste in pop culture today. How can people be expected to avoid garbage if their grandparents and great grandparents handed down their shitty Mickey Rooney-loving genes?

A while ago I watched one of his Andy Hardy movies from the 1930s. The funniest thing about that movie was the long scene which demonstrated the wonder of Kids Today and their new-fangled ham radios. They treated ham radios like people used to talk about the internet, in a "My god! See how these youths communicate over long distances! Why, I never thought I'd see the day!" sort of way. Only, unlike the internet, the ham radio was shit. It took the ham radio boy hours and hours to get in contact with anyone, and then they had to send this stranger they'd reached running over to a farmhouse to deliver a pointless message to their Mother. DID THEY NOT HAVE TELEPHONES? Yes. They totally had telephones.

Really, I think a lot of problems would be solved if people simply remembered that telephones exist, and work pretty well. For example, maybe you shouldn't replace your land line with VoIP. If it were up to Mickey Rooney, we'd all have to count on ham radios to summon our ambulances and firetrucks. And then we'd all DIE. Does Mickey Rooney want us all dead?

Finally, wikipedia has provided more damning evidence against Mr. Rooney.
  • He claimed that Mickey Mouse was named after him, which Disney denied.
  • He claimed that he gave Marilyn Monroe her stage name, which he didn't
  • His mother wanted his stage name to be "Mickey Looney," which he rejected. Mickey Looney would have been even easier for me to mock.
  • " Laurence Olivier called Rooney 'the single best film actor America ever produced', a sentiment echoed by actor James Mason." This proves that Mickey Rooney THREATENED OLIVIER AND MASON into making absurd statements.
  • He wimped out on the role of Archie Bunker in All in the Family because it was too controversial
Need I say more?

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